The Trend of Avoidance
“Everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager”
Anxious, disorganized, secure, avoidant - now if you're born after 1995 you probably know what I’m talking about. And if you weren’t or are somewhat out of the loop, first of all, good for you but second of all, let me fill you in. Attachment theory was founded by psychologist John Bowlby in 1958 – it creates an understanding about how early bonds and traumas relate to adult patterns of behaviours in relationships.
During his years of working with children, he discovered a strong interest in how periods of separation from a mother figure affect a child and in turn affect experience with relational problems such as abandonment and feeling unloved.
This is a very common story of someone with anxious attachment when it manifests as someone who needs to gain attention through emotional outbursts. On the other side of the coin there is Avoidant attachment style which starts from a child’s parents rejecting or pushing down their needs and emotions, manifesting as an adult who learns to not express feelings and not let anyone in fully to maintain safety within themselves. Attachment styles have become more prominent in our generation than ever before. A lot of that has to do with navigating this new way of dating. But I think some of it can be all a little toxic - let me explain.
Now what I’m saying here isn’t that I think this is all a joke. I’m saying that I think it’s a trend and sometimes an excuse. “Protecting your peace” used to make sense when you’re talking about a toxic boss or an ex that turns into a stalker. VALID.
However, protecting one's peace to avoid people getting close, people that care about you getting close, is why dating for this generation is so hard. The people that care get hurt by the people that won’t let them in and in turn they become them and then the cycle continues. ‘Hurt people hurt people’.
A perfect example that we can relate to in a pop culture sense is Carrie and Big from Sex and the City as every time Carrie got too close, Big left and when she got too far, he came back. They made it look so sexy though in NYC with her heels and little mini dresses but let me give you a reality check. A real relationship is not based upon someone who leaves (even if he looks like Big?). It’s someone who stays, someone who can push through uncomfortable feelings and still chooses the person in front of them.
This trend of avoidance isn't about villanising avoidant attachment, it's about the people who benefit at the expense of others. Workshops on boundaries, self-help books that teach you to push it down and carry on and Tik Toks about being the person that cares less, because the person that cares less wins right? These trends are teaching our generation that we don’t need one another.
But that’s all we’ve ever needed. We are here because we do need each other.
So, is it protecting your peace? Or is it checking out emotionally and going quiet as a reason to not take responsibility? You know what the most peaceful thing is to do. It is to show up. It isn’t the absence of conflict; It’s the presence of trust and safety. My challenge to you is to show up. Show up for the people around you and explain to them what’s going on inside your head. Trust me, it's better than avoiding them.
